"I call myself a warrior…a peaceful warrior, because the battles we fight are on the inside… for peace. The battle to be happy."
Pablito, primero quiero decir que lo extraño mucho, y le agradezco por todo. Cuanto me gustaria que ud pudiera estar con nosotros hoy en dia. Feliz Cumpleaños, le mando un abrazo gigante, y quiero que sepa que aca todos lo extrañamos mucho.
Segundo, quiero decirle que al leer lo que ud escribio, a pesar de que fue termendamente duro y se me hizo un nudo en la garganta, me inspiro. Me inspiro a seguir mis sueños. Es cierto de que en este momento no se exactamente que quiero ser, estoy encontrando mi camino y espero poder cumplir todas mis metas. Me inspiro a ser una mejor persona. A ir siempre para adelante. Como ud mismo decia desde esa epoca, hay que ser mas alegre, concentrarse mas en lo positivo y menos en lo negativo. Y finalmente me inspiro a disfrutar de las cosas simples de la vida. A veces me complico mucho, cuando deberia estar disfrutando de todo. Mi familia, mis amigos, las cosas del dia a dia.
Espero poder cumplir mis sueños y llevar acabo una vida mas tranquila, mas alegre. Y de esta manera lograr que (en cierta forma), ud cumpla lo que le hubiera gustado hacer, ya que yo siempre lo llevo en mi corazon y todos los triunfos mios son suyos tambien.
Le agradezco porque ud me sigue enseñando cosas, y le pido perdon porque la verdad es que no he aprendido bien todas las lecciones.
Pero estoy seguro de que seguire caminando por buenos caminos, hasta que por fin logre llegar, y entendar bien todas las enseñanzas que ud ha dejado.
Lo quiero muchisimo Pablito y siempre lo llevo conmigo. Yo se que ud esta en el cielo en este momento, y nos esta cuidando a todos.
Gracias por todo, lo extraño mucho.
PD: Ojala este viendo como Messi esta partiendo a CR7 esta temporada :P
This past six months, were probably the hardest and weirdest six months I have gone through in my life. School ended and with it came the promise of a brand new life, new chances, new beginnings. But the last six months were quite different from what I expected.
At first I lost my health, I could barely stand up from my bed and if I did, it felt horrible. I couldn’t go to college, not because I hadn’t earned it or got accepted, but because of some stupid documents. And finally I watched as the person I loved the most, the only girl I’ve ever loved, drifted away from me. Until I finally lost her.
It probably sounds very silly of me to mention give such importance to this when people out there have to face much harder stuff than me on a daily basis, and I totally agree. But it still was very hard for me to see everything I held dear, everything I knew, and loved slip away.
I love sports to death, everything from jogging to playing tennis to going to the gym. So to feel as sick as I did was really hard for me. To not be able to stand up was devastating, especially because I couldn’t do anything. All I wanted was to be able to stand up and go out with my friends, go out to jog, live.
Going to college was something I wanted to do, but there was a little part of me didn’t want to go. I wanted to go because I wanted to get a good education and I didn’t want to fall far behind, I wanted to start college early to get an earlier start in life. But I must admit that I wasn’t as excited about college, I guess that I didn’t have clear what it was that I really wanted. And part of me didn’t want to go because I guess I wasn’t ready for it, but mostly because I especially didn’t want to leave one person… But any of that didn’t matter because it wasn’t even up to me if I should go or stay. Some documents I needed, didn’t get to me in time. So I had to stay.
And finally it was horrible to see the girl I loved drift away from me. To see the thing you care the most about, slowly shatter is very hard. Especially when you haven’t done anything for that to happen and can’t understand why its happening. I made some mistakes, but I also tried my best to change things and make things work. But being treated as a stranger by the person you love, really takes a toll. Long before we broke up, I had already lost her.
I was hurting for a very long time. I couldn’t understand when everything had fallen apart, why suddenly everything seemed to be upside down. I was stuck at my house, feeling completely dreadful. All my ignored fears arose, and I finally had to face them face to face. It’s very hard to describe how I felt, but it was the worst I’d felt in all my life.
But that isn’t as important.
Although it was some couple of rough months, I suppose I needed to live through them. Because I really learned a lot from them.
I learned to value good health a lot, to never take it for granted as I had before. To take advantage of it. I love being able now to walk to run. I started playing tennis and I’m completely in love with it. I started jogging again and although I’m not running 11 miles daily as I did before, I’m still having fun. I also stated going to the gym again, and realized how much I love it. Now I want to start playing soccer, and train a lot so that I can play on the college team. But I love being healthy and Im so thankful for it.
College wise, I couldn’t be happier. After visiting my college I must say, I was swept off my feat. The campus was amazing, the people there were incredibly nice, and all the opportunities that I will have there are just unbelievable. Although I couldn’t start this semester and I still don’t know what Im going to major in, I’m beyond excited to start college in June. I know it’s going to be amazing, because this time I feel ready and I’m completely sure that Penn State is where I want to go.
And finally I lover her and I guess I always will, but I can’t be with someone who treated me as she does. I don’t understand her and I don’t understand what she did. But aside form that she made her choice and I made mine. Right now I don´t want her in my life. I don´t deserve to be treated that way. But despite that, and overlooking everything she did, I know she’s the most amazing girl out there, and I wish her the best.
I guess the point of all this rambling is life taught me valuable lessons. I understand now that I can’t control what happens in life, and I never will. The only thing I can control is how I react to what happens. I also know now that its only by accepting what happens am I able to live freely. It was my non-accpetance that caused me so much pain. By accepting what was happening, the pain was still there, but at least I felt at peace. I felt free from the pain, and in a way the situation.
And right now I’m really thankful to life, because although I don’t have all the pieces stuck together and every things not perfect, I feel at peace again, I feel free and happy. Im feeling better everyday, and although sometimes I still get frustrated or in a negative mood, it doesn’t last long, and now I’m able to live more freely.
I guess when things fall apart, it definitely means that better things are going to come along. I’m uncertain of many things in life, but that’s ok. I know good things will come my way.
One of the hardest things for me to do, is to let go. It’s very hard for me to let go of people, and situations.
When I meet someone and I find that I can truly trust them. That they are honest and worth while, I invest way too much of myself in that person. I really try to be the best I can be with them. I want to help that person in whatever it is they need. I want to offer them a real friendship. I even prioritize them before me. Its hard for me to describe, but I guess that I just really believe in them with all I’ve got. I really come to love them.
So it becomes very hard for me to let go, because I feel them as a part of me. I feel like I believe in them so much that when something in the relationship goes wrong, I still trust them and am willing to give them a second chance. This has happened several times in my life. And if the person really deserves it then they’ll take that second chance and make the best of it.
But sometimes people don’t want that second chance, they just want to move on with their life. And thats what I have trouble accepting.
I guess at times, I just get caught up in the fact that I believe in them so much, that I unbelievably forget that sometimes people just want to move on. I shamefully confess that I forget that everyone is free to do what they want to do. And sometimes moving on is just what is best and natural for both. But I really have to understand that.
With situations it seems that I just get tied to them, because I feel safe and comfortable. I get very accustomed, so when things go unexpectedly or something goes wrong, it feels like everything is going to fall apart. I have to regretfully accept that I tend to forget how impermanent things are in life. And sometimes I just cling on to situations to much, which in turn ends up giving me a bit of fear. Fear that things will change to unexpectedly. And I end up missing the fun and joy of the distinct situations life gives you.
But why is it so hard for me to let go?
I honestly don’t know.
All I want to do is give myself space to be, to just live. I don’t want to cling to anyone, neither to any situation. I want to enjoy each person and each situation that life gives me. But I don’t want to become their “slave” nor “enslave” anyone. I want to live each moment for what it is, realizing that all must pass.
I want to let go, so I can live free.
I don’t know for how much or how long exactly I walked that day, but it seemed like a lifetime.
I thought at first maybe I’d shake it off, after all it had been a long jog and the sun was starting to come out. It was hot and humid. So I walked for a little while, but then started feeling a type of headache, a slight dizziness kick in. So I walked again. This kept on for a little while, until I finally decided to walk.
For the first time in my life I felt completely alone. I was completely alone. I had no cellphone, no number to call. I was alone on a very long trail, in the middle of a beautiful park, but miles away from the house were I was staying.
I walked and walked and walked. It was very hard, because the sun was already up and the heat was completely unbearable. Although I only had a running shirt on, I had to take it off. I started feeling very very weak. And that’s the point at which your mind starts to kick in, which only makes it worse.
So I kept on, because I had no other choice. Some cars passed by, but I was to shy to try to make them stop to ask for help, but I remembered there was a bathroom sign along the road. So I thought to myself ” When I get there I’ll go to the bathroom to drink some water. I’ll be fine.” But the bathroom was much farther away than what I recalled. Every step I took was more devastating than the one before. Breathing was getting hard.
I finally got to the bathroom sign, but realized that in order to get to the actual bathroom I would have to walk at least 100 meters. When I finally got there I drank water from the water fountain, but I felt even thirstier. So I went inside the bathroom and poured some water in my face to feel better, but all I felt was extreme heat. So I walked out of the bathroom and got back on the road, and it was there where I felt as if I was going to give in. My heart started beating unexpectedly very fast and I almost wasn’t breathing. I sincerely thought that it was that I was going to die. All I could think about was my family. I thought ” I’m going to die and my mom, my dad, my brother they won’t know.” ” Not now.. please God, not this way.”
It lasted for a couple of minutes, but after that I walked on. I don’t know how but I did, I just walked. I didn’t have legs or energy left in me, but I walked. I tried calling out to a man how was walking his dog ahead of me, to see if he would help me but he was to far away to hear my voice. So I kept on walking and walking.
I finally reached a main road that crosses through the park, which meant I was a bit closer to the house. I kept on walking until I finally felt that I couldn’t go any longer. So I decided to try and get help from people passing by in cars. I just wanted them to take me to the house, but naturally no one stopped. Until finally I kind women stopped her car as I had screamed (although my heart rate was now normal) that my heart was beating very fast. Although I asked her to take me to the house, she told me she couldn’t do that, and instead she called 911. She waited with me until a huge fire truck got there to help me.
After they checked me in the fire truck they took me home were I took a shower, and would finally end up in the hospital.
Looking back on this experience is really hard. It’s the type of experience you’d rather forget. It was the first time in my life where I truly felt fear invade every inch of me. Where I felt helpless and alone. Where death wasn’t that far away.
Yet at the same time, I finally learned what people mean when they say you do something with your heart, when your body just gives in. Although I know I got to the house thanks to a greater power, call it what you want, but there was something much bigger and loving taking care of me. For that thank you. It was a miracle that I made it through.
How it feels like to wake up every morning feeling dizzy and sick. How dreadful it is to stand up and walk, only to feel weak and as if you were going to fall down. How exasperating it is to sit down and feel like you can’t properly focus on anything at all, because your head won’t let you.
BUT I don’t want to remember this for the thrill of it, much less for living in the fear of it. I want to remember it, so that when I get better I can remember everything I have learned in these past weeks. So I can always remember to live, not just exist.
I was an asshole, in all honesty. As if life hadn’t taught me before. I used to live locked away in my mind half the time. I used to be mad at times for no apparent reason. I didn’t value almost any of the things that life had given me. I was always waiting for the next thing. Almost never really there. I didn’t value the people or the things that they did for me at all. I never valued how beautiful me life, and life in general is.
And worst of all, my mouth was lose and I talked about things that I knew and may have even felt, but never really surfaced.
I was dead.
But now I realize how silly of me it was to be like this. How pointless, and how overcomplicated I made life.
I see now beauty in life that wasn’t there, and I see how simple it is. It’s amazing how humans have spent a great part of history complicating it.
So when I get better, I want to be able to live life to the fullest. I want to live freely and fearlessly. I want to be alive. I want to get better soon, and go out explore. It’s not going to be easy, because I know once the “freshness” of everything I have learned has worn off, the old mind patterns will return. But I want to be conscious enough, as to be able to break them down. So thats why I never want to forget.
So that everyday I can wake up with a smile on my face.
I have a weak mind, I know. But I also have a strong heart. Time has come for one to master the other.